I journal my life in the form of poetry; I hope you are able to read and relate.
“A freeing to start,
a new beginning of me-
in this space, this time;
Hoping to spread my wings,
revealing colors of sublime;
feelings,
ones I’ve been sheltering. “
–butterfly affects
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more in depth poetry. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
This is my confession;
One of many, and truth is
You are more than one can deserve
I’d given my all to you and I’d do it again
However, as nothing but just a friend, I can’t stand it
The subtle Hi’s and nonchalant goodbyes
Ignoring my true feelings within for reasons I can’t describe
But maybe you can
I just can’t
Take the thought of you being with someone
and me I’m just here wishing, being, believing that I am, enough
But it’s less than what’s accepted
And that’s too much
My heart hurts in its pleading to be
A being of worth, of purpose to you
Something more than “to do” as a promise is the most sincere and meaningful when it is kept to be true
And so is an “I do”
I miss-the understanding of those lines that read between the eyes that brow
The knows,
She knows ;it all because she was, she is, she’s of
But again
I can’t just be
Without being able to give this all of me
I won’t
And as a result I don’t
I can’t see myself getting close or allowing the most of my emotion to pour out when I don’t feel anything pouring in
I can’t see it-
Legally I’m out of my mind, if you’d ask me I would say that means blind but so be it
I may be blonde —
Dumb founded to think-that it’s all just a matter of time
—-I don’t know what to think so I just sit within this room between these four walls & blink
—if I blink hard enough maybe I’ll be in the garden of Eden again & maybe then I won’t be so naive to believe that a serpent was just a friend
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Im painting this muse in my mind of things and persons I couldn’t define
What felt useless, at once
Felt now something more to think twice, than be clueless
Feelings of being triggered on purpose
Again ,
I’m feeling like a machine so robotic or so it seems
Those things I once aspired are not no more or far less than dreams;
things that I do when I’m sleeping
Laying awake in a meditative state;
I can’t do this
This thing with people that leaves me left but then again I’m so clueless
All for , I mean all because they need, want a reaction
So nonchalant of me to be so animated but yet there are no words in caption
But they need something
Something from me to seed
Something from me to read
Yes I have internal feelings which ignite but truly if my passion isn’t within my sight
I might be wrong but I will not write;
There’s so many things
So many of these things going on in my mind I simply just do not have the time
It no longer gives me, an ease of mind
That breath that once kept me fresh of air
I felt it leave me behind
Yet they’re reading
My emotions
The need to know what I’m feeling
I guess this is the price you pay when you’re broken, broke in
Broke and confused
The goal was to win but all I see is defeat in this I choose,
This road, I lose
A lost self ;
A hope that’s kept alive for me to keep on and strive but I can’t help but to notice
The triggers placed in order for me to keep focus
Oh how selfish of me to be astray
To leave astray a fan-base when I can’t even see how I may feed from the day;
May the night break
To a new dawn as satan’s spawn
Cheers to the tone of a world that doesn’t force feed the “sis-girl” hormones—-
Oh Boy !
The sense of,
Having done—
something(s) wrong-empathic to connect
& also ready to accept; I slept
And awoke with this feeling-these
Of not knowing ;
Usually taken as a threat and looked on to repair I’ve mentioned, an auto response to fear-ever so present with these feelings—I’ve shared
A saying of, “I can feel it in the air”—things, as a way of,
trying to display, these feelings
They pull me in to a hurting, in such a way
It’s so—un—EASY, to be &-unapologetically feel
all within these moments,
I’ve reeled, past times that still hurt;
for me the truth works—hurts,
when you’re not the only one affected..
Very well, respected—respect it;
A piece of mind, to peace and find the me, I’ve pardoned to release sometime..ago
I’ve gone—come, too far to regret it;I’ve said it
I woe, with looking in this mirror too
A sufferer of things inside but you’d have no clue
These things—feelings, aren’t to destroy a “me” or “you”
—“I’ve read it”
“Aye Cis-man, How does it feel”
To be told to accept something that ain’t even real; someone-
So much time away from,
a running (that’s what it’s called)
Taking part in becoming
something you don’t even recognize
After testing the waters,
AND/SO, I’ve given away a few tries—
In a leading of lies;
a face displaying an appearance disguised ;
No emotion—the heart of a soul that once broke in,
saying of, “this not you”,
“Oh, boo-hoo”
You need to go back to—
who you were—
it’s too new ;but who knew
—You,
so pretty, how could you let this be?
self pitty
—“You don’t even know me”
How could you forget already?
The uncomforted feeling that’s taken place, you look within knowing who you are but to the distaste
You’re just “that girl”
The one you’ve never been before
And now that it seems your future has been read;
It gets harder for me to ignore
—-This is not who you want to be & it’s not hard to see, but you accept & it’s well kept, and that’s where it gets hard for me.
“Breath-taking”
I was asked what I do in my leisure time
And to answer without being able to think, “I write”, right
There could be no wrong within this same ole-story I’ll call a song
But the truth is, sometimes I don’t; I mean yes I can, but sometimes I just won’t
So now I’m backtracking with precision to be precise with
A truth that I have spoken to suffice with—
A—TRY; honestly it wasn’t a lie
You spend hours meditating even while attempting to write and hesitating
You’ve written within your mind, line for line
You backtrack as you backspace with your dreams and analyze things, a thousand times
So who cares if you had physically written
That’s a mere decision;
You’re creating, you’ve created constructive habits from seeking a clearer vision
And as word was given about the ways to strengthen of stealth,
“Don’t be so hard on yourself”;
To be of perfection is a given but let’s be honest you’re full of gifts that’s been hidden
A Pandora’s box if you will
Now, don’t be so down about what you could give in to a conversation, just enjoy the thrill
These are words said upon me to you; never forget that no matter what you go through “I am always here for you”
—-you’re significant “other”, to you.
I am.
(Written from the outside looking in)
Being ignored by someone you look up to; “at least you felt it, right?”
Knowing they exist but do they know you do? Your heart persists; if they’re anything like me they’ll open. I won’t be heart broken. I just have to know, I refuse to let this go. Call me out of my mind but at least I’m not blind, I mean faces show. Something can’t be right about this, someone has to know.
Ain’t it, something…to want one thing from someone you used to—-no;someone who doesn’t—no;
I refuse to let go; to make believe with all the lies spoken, I won’t be heart broken
—and then, what?!
finally, a chance to look in its face, after failed attempts online , a heart begins to race..a thought to getting a sense of who I am—that’s not the case; but I felt it. The vibe that hit and made it shake to its core. A haunting that said it doesn’t want to be anymore, whatever it was.
Taking a look in its eyes, I’m here again; for you..even after so many tries, but will you, I mean after you know—not be phased, will your feelings start to show? I don’t want to be heart broken; I have to know.
After being left in a rage..I’m left on this page, pacing chapters; I’ve seen the pictures and even created a story after.
Outlining again, there’s something distant, something missing and it has to start with you, then
—-but I’m here now
In decision
After a day of filling myself
A day with everything I needed
feeling too full of it
A release from the bullshit, to myself I repeated
This shit,I’m sick—I mean, yes I am
—of it
Maybe even above it
But I could-not forget, who I was and what came of it
So hate to love it, as I stand;
“You won’t make it in this life”
it wasn’t apart of the plan
So okay; so be done
A reunite with the light as my feet hit the—
Son;
slaughtered into a daughter
known as a martyr of sense
I’m more than convinced that this life in this sun-light leaves more than (A)presence tense
—-said as my back hits the bench;
it’ll (B)okay.
Have I?
Oh yes, I’ve written
Maybe not here, in so long
I mean hours in counting, could feel like days of neglect
I guess that’s the means of getting clarity when you’re upset
So many voices, in my head pulling me in, which— a way?
Hard to understand when all the words repeat as they stay
The same sound; all the while I’m here looking, there’s no one to be found
Not of those voices
And to think they bash me for going a stray
Didn’t that sound like what they wanted? What else does it mean when someone says “Go if you may?”
(Asking myself—still, alone, as is, due with grieving)
(& answers : that sound—
A polite way of kicking, dismissing you to your leaving)
All because a face looks a certain way??—well listen, voices are also deceiving
I wasn’t placed here on this earth to lie
Face in the dirt as “use”, pry
To “uplift” me into a hearse
I made changes to spread love but that was like digging through a haystack looking for a needle and it hurts
& they say “life could be worse”
There is no lie—there, but I’d rather do away with these severed ties;
I can’t stay here
I thought I’ve made that clear; and you all as well with the wishing me—well
Off as they say
No matter if the head leaves the body
—when thoughts struck that you’ve had no-body—form a way
After a while all this shit sounds the same
Every line and stanza full of pain
I get tired of grieving maybe more so of reading to stay sane
Okay, so maybe I’m lying just to give my poem a new name
A new tone , a writing of a new wrong
To cover the hurt with sand just as the they do the beach with dirt
A fancy way to numb the pain, a given; the bullshit a new name when it hurts
A new look, just to stay sane
(Didn’t I say that already?)
A seeing of the same old thing, in a different way
What more can I say, besides the same, ol-thing..
In a new way, despite it being a new day
because these traumas, experienced around the same people, leave room for more dramas
A new episode, a leading
For the series to continue “as long as you keep believing”, So keep repeating
A saying as loud as
“Yes I—“
—AND, in spite of the reprimand,
(I’ll say it again)
a repeating as loud as “yes I—“
—“you can”
because these dramas, I mean traumas need healing,
A numbing of pain
So reprimand in spite of—
“What’s a name” and their feelings
—-FLiP the script(a reminding)
So close but yet so far-fetched
I thought I may have been on to something
Maybe I was
A bit of nothing occurred and that’s all that it was,
apparently
My feelings left me;feeling to believe that I again made an attempt, a willingness to succeed
So I hadn’t given up, despite my past failures that had struck
A once saying I’ve had enough, and here it seemed life’s called my bluff
So this time cutting my loses, a gone with the wind wasn’t as tough
but I’d learned something, I’d followed a taking of mind
Seizing the day within the moment, each present in time
In knowing that I felt fine
Because this due life, even with strife in loss with love and friendship was not mine
——just a few borrowed lines
